Pomictharus - The first 6 minutes (1/10) of The Top 100 Jamie Cullum Covers Retrospective With Jimmy Carr

Talking Head 1: [female] Jamie Cullum really like, for so long, was jazz I mean he was amazing. He just really you know, played what he wanted, didn't care who it offended, you know, really stuck it to the Jazz... Man. It... was a shame what happened.

Talking Head 2: [elderly male] It's the age old story really isn't it. Well not age old. It's the story that we've heard so many times, throughout history though, a bit of a grand narrative, if you will, that, Prometheus, Icarus blend, Promitherus, that I think Jamie inevitably came. It's just... every generation, if you get what I'm trying to say, has one, and I think, so far... there have been about 5. Prometheus, Icarus, Jesus, Jimmy Hendrix and Jamie Cullum. It was inevitable that, after stealing fire from the Gods then flying away into the sun, figuratively and literally, that he was to plumet to his firey death and be strung up on Mount Caucasus to have is liver pecked at by Ethon the mighty eagle.

Talking Head 3: [regional male accent] We were all, I think, routing for Jamie on that night. Everybody. I mean considering, what happened and the obvious trauma that that was going to cause a young boy of my age, it was an amazing night, there was this sort of immense feeling of togetherness that my family hadn't felt for some time, we got round the fire, we exchanged gifts, we, sang songs or at least we did while we were waiting for Jamie to come on the telly and sing songs. It was better than Christmas in many ways obviously god rest his soul and all that.

Talking Head 4: [colloquial accent] Awww mate did you see his head!? It was propper like everywhere man I couldn't even look at it! Just the whole band was covered in his brains and everything! All OVER Katie Melua... She was fit.

Ominous Narrative: In 2009 the nation watched in horror and wonderment, as Jamie Cullum, messianic prodigy and widely believed chosen one who was to bring order to the Jazz Universe, played his first, and last public performance at the opening event for the newly finished Wembley Stadium. It was to be the last time his adoring public would see him again.

Talking Head 3: [regional male accent] From what I understand... Jamie had been going off the rails... that is to say... he was not a well man. His record company were forcing him to tour exhaustively, his band had been pushing him onto harder, more regular calpol abuse, what they refer to as “Young Adult 11-14” whatever the hell that means... and his mother had been left to die a slave on the desert planet of Tatooine in the outer-rim sector of the Galaxy. So no, no, I don't think he was particularly happy, definitely not.

Talking Head 4: [colloquial accent] AAAAAHHH! It was fuckin squirtin man all over that fuckin saxophone dude and he was all like AAAAAAAHHH getitoff, getitoff! [cackles, resumes slight decorum] But nah, yeah is not funny or anythin, if you get me, but then, it was if you know what I mean...

Talking Head 1: [female] It all really... went wrong for him, I suppose didn't it? He started this whole experimental phase and, then... well, you know what happened... I don't really think you need me to tell you what happened do you? Oh... oh sorry yes, right, well, Jamie Cullum was about to finnish playing the first song when...

Ominous Narrative: It's impossible for we brief mortals to comprehend what might've been going through Jamie Cullum's mind, as he sat down at the piano. Based on the expression on his face, we've reconstructed this stream of consciousness. Do bare in mind that though scientists have been working on this sequence of words for nearly a decade after the incident, their conclusions are limited by the primitive video technology of the time, and their only other reference was a revised Oxford Press edition of the Complete Works of Shakespear.

Jamie Cullum's head: What light from yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Jazz... is the sun. Our bodies are our gardens, to the which our wills are gardeners: so that if we will plant nettles, or sow lettuce, set hyssop and weed up thyme, supply it with one gender of herbs, or distract it with many, either to have it sterile with idleness, or manured with industry, why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in our wills. Did I leave the gas on? No, I definitely turned it off because I had some toast, and the toaster was near the boiler, and I saw the gas was still on so I switched it off. I supposed I had best do some light free form N-U Jazz...

Ominous narrative: What follows, is the only surviving recording of the last performance Jamie ever gave, except for several other recordings of a better quality which were more expensive... True to form, he is reworking a piece clearly beyond his own range as a musician: Four Minutes Thirty Three Seconds, contemporary composer John Cage's seminal composition dealing with issues of authority, declaration and the some key tennents of Zen Buddhism.

[Jamie Cullum performs John Cage's 4:33] EXPLOSIONS HORRIFICALLY LOW BASS

Ominous Narrative: It was done. Cullum, who could've been the greatest of all the Jazzy Nights, with his experiments and playful childish dabblings into Dark Jazz, had severed the very fabric of reality. This really important probably like the most clever scientist EVER had this to say on the subject:

Totally Groovy Science Type: What I imagine happened was, that the tiny little imps that make up what scientists call “The Universe” known as Jazz and Anti-Jazz, colided and formed a new universe, within the present one. Sun Ra, long thought of as an ecclectic maniac appears... to have been a genius preceding the creation of this embrionic musical universe... as he insisted at great length... “Space is the place”... but there are other incidences of this event being preceded in the collective consciousness of the Jazz community... The Music of The Universe Shall Set You Free it seems... It seems that Jamie's mix of incipid Jazz-light for thirty-somethings who collect cold feet DVD's combined with his clearly ambitious cover of John Cage's 4:33 silence at the piano brought into existence a universe that contains all the sounds that ours does... but with none of the referential structures that allow it to make any cohesive sense to us... There are two potential outcomes for such a universe, it will either explode and kill us all, or just sort of... sit there... being weird... The former is more likely. I gave it about 5 weeks.

Ominous Narrative: What spewed forth from the stump where Jamie Cullum's head used to connect to his pretty, pretty neck, was a fissure in the fabric of Time and Space, an embrionic universe seemingly identical to our own, with all the right bits, but in an infinitely wrong order. Knowingly or not, this miniature Jazz strumpet had birthed through his severed wind pipe an exponentially expanding galaxy, complete with suns, nebulai, and worthers originals. Sound would never bet same after... THE JAMIE CULLUM TOP 100 COVERS RETROSPECTIVE WITH JIMMY CARR!

[The Hives Declair Guerre Nuclear]